Daddy Sevvie
by Headbanger62
Summary: Yeah, it's about SEVERUS SNAPE!!! *GASP* I suck at summaries so just read it and find out just what the hell I've come up with now.
1. Default Chapter

Daddy Sevvie  
  
(AN: Muahahahahaha!!! I just LOVE to torture Snape! He's actually my favorite character. Sorry of he's a bit OOC in this. For some reason, in all of my humor fics, everyone is automatically OOC. I don't know why. Anywho, here goes nothing.)  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Ooohhh. My head." said Snape as he held his forehead, trying to dull the incredibly painful headache. He had gotten very drunk the night before, and, well... spent the night with a prostitute. "Scarlet Women" he called them. He would normally do nothing of the sort, but, alchohol can make you do very stupid and strange things. This was one of them. Although he had fallen asleep in bed with one of those "Scarlet Women", he woke up in his rooms at Hogwarts. He had no idea what had happened the night before, or, what he had done. He thought he had just had a little too much to drink. The light burned his eyes as he reluctently opened them to the morning. After having his morning coffe, which helped to dull the pain from his hangover, he prepared his morning lesson. Today was with Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. He rifled through his books, trying to find a good potion to teach them. After deciding on a color changing potion, he gathered up the info he would need for it and put everything safely in his desk. The next several months went like this. Perfectly normal. But, nine months later, after the school year had ended, Snape was free to do whatever he wanted. Today, he decided that he would just lay around in his boxers and read. This was his idea of fun. Not very exciting. The day went on with him just reading books, practicing some new potions. He even spent half an hour watching two birds fighting over a worm, which was long gone. Then there was a long, drawled out knock at his door. Snape pulled on his robes, grumbling the whole time, and opened the door. There, standing right before him, was the "Scarlet Woman" that he had had his way with that day nine months ago, holding a small bundle in her arms. She was very... well.. not-not-trashy. She was wearing a pure red robe that was torn into the shape of a bra. The only other clothing she was wearing was a white undershirt and a pair of leather pants.  
  
"Who, may I ask, are you?" said Snape in an annoyed tone.  
  
"Don't you remember me?" said the woman in an extremely hoarse voice, like she had been smoking for years.  
  
"I'm glad I don't." said Snape, astonished that the woman thought that he knew her.  
  
"Let me show you." said the woman. With a flick of a very beat up old wand, the woman cast a memory spell on Snape, causing all the memories to come flooding back to him.  
  
"...Oh my god." said Snape as he backed into the wall behind him in shock.  
  
"This thing is not my responsibility." said the woman as she shoved the bundle into his arms.  
  
"What is this!?" yelled Snape.  
  
"Your son." said the woman as she quickly ran away, preventing Snape from giving the bundle back. Snape's mouth literally dropped as he unwrapped the blankets to reveal a small child, no more than a few weeks old. Despite the fact that it had no hair, it looked surprisingly like him. His nose wasn't as crooked and his eyes were blue, but all the facial features were there. At this point, Snape felt as if he wanted to die. He wasn't ready for fatherhood. The child cried as the cold air brushed against hit skin. Snape wanted to cry too, but felt that it would be kind of gay. So, instead he brought the child inside his home, shutting the door behind him. He placed him onto a chair and walked over to a wall where he proceeded to smash his face into it, probably trying to give himself a serious head injury, but to no avail. After deciding that dying would be painful, he picked up a peice of parchment from his deks, picked up his quill and started writing.  
  
"Dear Albus Dumbledore,  
  
HELP ME!!! Come to my home right away! I can't trust anyone else! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Sincerely, Severus Snape"  
  
Snape sent his owl off with the letter, hoping he would get a response quickly. It was then that he realized that the baby was crying. Loudly. He went over to his son and picked him up.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I CAN'T DO THIS!!! WHY ME GOD!!?? WHY ME!!??"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" 


	2. Chapter 2

Daddy Sevvie  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
AN: Sorry this one took so long. I promise I'll be faster with the next chapter. Also, If anyone out there has kids, please e-mail me telling me how to do things like hold a bottle and change a daiper. I'm only 14 and obviously don't have children. (If I did, I would probably be dead by my mother's hand.) I would look really stupid getting something wrong.  
  
  
Professor Dumbledore had been waiting patiently for the mail. Soon after he was finished watching a bird chase a worm outside, his faithful owl flew through through the window just as fast as that worm jumped in his hole.  
  
"Well, let's see what came in the mail today." said Dumbledore as he took the small stack of letters out of the birds mouth. He rifled through them, throwing most of them away, except for an ad for a self cleaning cauldron. The last letter in the stack seemed to be written in quite a hurry. Dumbledore anxiously opened it after seeing in was from Professor Snape. His face turned white after reading it.   
  
"Something is definitely wrong." said Professor Dumbledore as he reached for the jar of floo powder on the mantlepeice of his chambers. Meanwhile, Snape was struggling to figure out just what his son wanted. He was screaming his lungs out, throwing away anything that Snape handed him to try to get him to calm down. He didn't know how to be a father. Especially to someone so young. He couldn't be more than a few weeks old. By now, Snape was quite unhappy too. He almost screamed with relief when he heard a knock at the door. He rushed as fast as his legs could carry him to the door, tripping several times along the way. He almost ripped off the door knob when he finally made it to the door. Dumbledore looked almost as shocked as he did when he first read Snape's letter when he saw the condition he was in. There was stains of food all over him, and even a few bruises. And there was a loud and constant screaming in the background, seemingly coming from the kitchen.  
  
"Albus!" said Snape as he pulled the stunned headmaster into his living room, shutting the door behind him. "You've got to help me!! I don't know what he wants and he won't stop screaming and he's driving me crazy!!"  
  
"Slow down Severus! What's wrong? Who's doing all these things?" said Dumbledore as he tried to calm down the frantic father. After he did calm down, he went into the kitchen and came out holding the source of the screaming out in front of him. Dumbledore couldn't help but smile at the predicament that his long time colleague and friend was in. Although he wanted to ask who's he was, he decided to calm the screaming child down first so they could hear themselves think. After taking the child from Snape, he cradled the screaming bundle in his arms and rocked him gently.  
  
"Now now. You don't want to be screaming all the time do you? You'll drive us all crazy." The very second Dumbledore started talking to him, the child started to calm down. Soon, he was sleeping in Dumbledore's arms.  
  
"Now that we can talk, who's is he?" asked Dumbledore as they both sat down in two big, red chairs facing eachother.  
  
"Well, I guess he's mine Albus." said Snape as he turned slightly red.  
  
"Really? I had no idea you were the type Severus." said Albus, still rocking the baby to keep him asleep. "How old is he?"  
  
"I suppose a few weeks. I'm not sure." said Snape.  
  
"You don't know?" said Dumbledore with a confused look on his face.  
  
"Well, yesterday, a woman showed up at my door. A scarlet woman. She shoved him in my arms, and left. Apparently, I had gotten drunk nine months ago. And, we.... Well..." said Snape, looking even more red.  
  
"Don't worry. I understand. Now. What is it that you need my help with?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Everything! I don't know how to take care of a baby! You have children. What am I suppossed to do?" asked Snape as if the world was about to end.  
  
"Well, before we do that, what is his name?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"His name?" said Snape as he realised that the child had no name. "I never thought of that."  
  
"Well, your going to have to name him. You can't go through life without a name." said Dumbledore as he adjusted his position so he was more comfortable. Snape looked out the window as he considered a list of names he had though of before. He did always want a son. But this was too sudden, so most of the names sounded inadequate. He had a few that sounded good, but he had to really think about this. This wasn't something you could easily change. After thinking for a few minutes, he decided on a name that he always thought was a good name.  
  
"His name will be Michael Frederick Snape." said Snape with the sort of sense of pride that had been completely absent through most of his life.  
  
"Michael Frederick Snape is a wonderful name. Now. First things first. Now, I don't mean to insult you or anything, but, about your attitude. It's going to have to change a little." said Dumbledore.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Snape.  
  
"Well, you have to treat a baby with love. If he doesn't sense any in your voice or actions, they become upset, and thus cry. Here. Take him."  
  
"What!? I can't take him! He'll just cry at me!" said Snape as Dumbledore handed him the child.  
  
"You have to learn how to hold him sometime. Put your elbow under his head. Yes, That's right. A newborn's neck is very weak and you have to hold their head up for them. See? It's not so hard."  
  
"Your right. He's not crying. He didn't even wake up." said Snape as his son quietly slept in his arms.  
  
"When he wakes up, I'll show you how to feed him. Until then, why don't take a nap? You look like you could use the sleep. I'll take care of him." said Dumbledore as he took the sleeping child into his arms.  
  
"Yes, I think I will. Thank you Albus." said Snape as he headed up the stairs.  
  
"No trouble at all Severus." said Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh, and Albus?" said Snape before he went to his chambers.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You will speak of this to noone." said Snape in a much more stern voice. Dumbledore couldn't help but smile.  
  
"Of course not." said Dumbledore.  
  
Snape went into his bedroom, a welcome sight for a man who hasn't gotten any sleep for two whole days. As he laid his head down on his pillow, he contemplated all that had happened during that last couple of days.  
  
'I really have a son. I'm really a father. There's no going back on this. What am I going to do? I hardly have the knowledge or the resources to take care of a baby. I'll just have to try.'  
  
At that, Snape fell asleep and joined his son in the land of dreams. 


End file.
